So as I was saying I went in on the Thursday to see the counsellor, and as all counsellors shrinks psychiatrist do they calmly invited into her office and offered me a seat. As I walked into the small room there were to chairs and right away it felt like she put them there two totally different chairs, just to mess with me ... why do they do that ? So I asked where do I sit because I see a hard plastic one that grade 4 children would sit in during class and I saw the nice high back cushioned chair with weathered leather covering. So naturally you want to be comfortable, so I choose the high back cushioned chair and it was nice. But the whole time I found myself leaning forward and talking to her.
She wanted to talk about my connections with my parents and if in fact I had connections with them because counselling is about connection between the patient and the counsellor yet she has to say all these things to get paid. She told me that I am suppose to form a connection with her for these sessions to really work. As I am sitting there I am wondering to my self... if this lady believes that I am going to form a connection with her by seeing her ever two weeks for an hour, and I have lived with a woman for over 20 yrs and have never formed a connection with her, she is the one that needs the counselling.
It seems unrealistic to me but because I have no one to talk to about this with a level head on their shoulders, I figure might as well talk to the shrink because she gets paid to listen to my moaning and groaning. she might make sense of things she might just regurgitate everything that I already know and if that happens the next couple of sessions then I am going to cancel the other sessions I do not need any more elder women telling me what and what not to do or telling me something I already know.
I know I don't have a connection with my mother, my real mom is still in my home land and has not made any serious effort to help her self and is putting pressure on me as if I'm the adult and I should take care of her. its irritating and shameful I thing adults should know how to take care of them self and not depend on their children ... that does not come until later on in life.... She is only 43 and acting as if your 73 its sad and irritating and stressful and annoying and I don't want anything to do with you. I don't miss her at all how can you miss someone or something you never had. Mean While i have a step mother who paid for things made sure I had clothes food and a bed to sleep in other than that she didn't care for my existence only that I keep her house clean for all I knew I could have been a totally different person and she would not care and bother to get to know me, tell me shes proud or anything. She focused on the bad 99.999999999999 percent of the time. the 1 percent is when she actually came to my graduations. But she complained about that also.
Father kind of backed out of the picture... he just wanted peace, so whatever am I suppose to hold it against him? If I did then I would not have any parents ... I am just tired of these people posing as my parents guardians what ever. The government could do what they did. With out all the unnecessary hatred and malice. The unnecessary ignoring and disregard for life.
I do wish I never woke up ... but since I keep waking up every morning Might as well do things my way and forget what everyone else thinks ... they only care enough to mess in your personal life when the damage is done they are gone .... no one there to clean up but you. So why should I care either. This world is all vanity.
