I have been a diabetic for almost three years now and I am still having problems with stabilizing my blood sugars and this time around I have contracted a few infections to go along with the out of control sugars. This is not something that I want to deal with on a daily basis, so when I can actually ignore the fact that I have a detrimental disease that is not going away by itself, I do. I eat what I want as much as I want and I don't bother taking my insulin, exercising, or eating on time.
Last time I was hospitalized, a few days prior I had pigged out on chocolate ice cream thinking if I ate enough I wouldn't wake up the next morning but lo and behold I woke up cause I have to pee really bad.... a week later I begged my boyfriend to take me to emerge because I felt overwhelmingly weak could barely hold my self up (and I am a very hefty girl). When they finally got to my blood work they came back and immediately hooked me up to an IV and told me I am going to be here for a while. Turns out that my blood sugar was about 44... or something like that and it is suppose to be between 5 and 7. Well the IV was making me feel better but my sugars were still high and they would not let me go home ... I was admitted the next day when a spot opened up and I was placed on a strict diet that did not fulfill my hunger so I was starving most of the time and I couldn't sleep most of the time so I was just up and hungry and irritated at the fact that I had nothing to eat when I wanted to. On top of that I was the youngest person there by about 60 years. The whole situation was depressing but I am not to believe in suicide. I would just not want to wake up one day is that to much to ask!?!
Anyways so I like to eat and I eat a lot and its not the fact that i cant have junk food. Because I am fine with sandwiches and vegetables and home cooked meals and fruit and all that good stuff but even that stuff I can't eat a lot of. I can't stay hungry yet I can't eat a lot. It's frustrating!
Most of the time I just day dream or get what ever I want to eat and watch movies of what I would like my life to be like.
This slight mood disturbance (as the diabetic psychologist called it) has been even before I was diagnosed with diabetes... but it definitely helped making my mood disturbance more.
I just wouldn't mind if I could just not wake up one morning. I admit that I do sound suicidal, but there is so many things that just get me so upset and I have no outlet for them. Not even typing all this out, telling the world what is really bothering me, isn't helping. It just makes all my problems more prominent. But you can only store so much bad stuff away in your mind before it over flows and things happen that could have been avoided.
So lets say I am doing this more for the people around me and not me. On top of all this, my life itself is boring. All I do is go to work and come home to a boyfriend who is the most selfish person I know. He does not care about my happiness his attempts to cheer me up are futile only because he does things that he thinks should make me happy but he never takes the time out to even remotely think "now what would Alecia like?" No he just thinks that what ever makes him happy or whatever made his previous girlfriends happy should make me happy and if it doesn't I have a problem, not him. I feel like I have no friends or they just don't have time for me or I don't have time for them. My Job feels like its taking over my life and I don't even get paid enough. I want to look a certain way and I want to dress a certain way and I want to go places that I can't afford and I have the education and I want a better job and it is like I am just to scared to go after it because I feel inadequate.
I feel so lifeless that some times I don't even want to get up and do anything I don't want to see anyone and I don't want to do anything. Life feels so pointless and I only find happiness in my day dreams... if that.
No comments:
Post a Comment